Always Known

Several years ago a friend of mine confessed some very deep things to me. She told me that the hole in her heart was so big, and so real, that she could literally put her finger over her chest and trace the shape of the hole. As I sat alone later that evening, I realized that I wanted to know how big the hole in my heart was, too. I put my finger on my heart, and willfully chose to have the pain come to the surface so I could feel what shape it was. At first, it was small. But memories came into my mind and I had to make a quick decision if it hurt me or not. As I said 'yes' to all these memories being painful, the hole just got bigger, and deeper, and uglier. I really wasn't sure what was happening to me, but I had never acknowledged that certain things hurt me before. For years I went to a psychiatrist and a counselor, they had both told me I was in denial. All of a sudden, that made sense. I started to own the pain that was inside of me. I knew God was listening to me, and I for the first time in my life, I needed Him to know that I knew, that I was hurting.

For almost three years after that day, I went through major reconstruction of my heart. As my friend Sarah Riche calls it, 'heart surgery.' It hurt incredibly, but was also the sweetest time of my life. When the foundation that I had been living my whole life on was completely shattered, everything around me crumbled, except Jesus. I saw Him, and He beckoned me to follow Him. With every 'Yes' empowered by the Holy Spirit, a new piece of foundation was laid, and I moved forward, step by itty-bitty baby step. But it was a solid foundation being laid, beautiful, strong, real... unshakable.

Over these past years, I've really learned how to seek the Lord deeply. I've learned to go to the places often unvisited because it usually requires a sledgehammer to break through walls standing in the way. But I still notice that something has been missing. There are struggles that still seem to permeate every aspect of my life, of who I am. I know people feel it, I know I hurt people, and I know these pains cause other people to hurt me in ways that shouldn't shake me. But, I am excited to go there with the Lord, because I know Him. And I know He reveals. He is God of Revelation and Love. He is Father, and He is the Good Shepherd.

The Lord brought this verse to my heart this morning: Ephesians 1:3 Blessed [be] the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly [places] in Christ, 4 just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, 5 having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, 6 to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He has made us accepted in the Beloved.

And with that He reminded me of something that was taught during my training to work with troubled teenagers. I don't remember the exact wording, but basically, the greatest trouble for these teens is not knowing that they are thought about by their family when their family isn't around. Not believing that they are held in the memory of others. Which, is the fear of abandonment. This isn't just a fear for teenagers that have to go through residential treatment centers and foster homes. This is a very real fear that the enemy uses to destroy our souls.

Well, with so much of the healing in my heart, I know now that people do know me, remember me, think about me and love me. And I treasure that. I am constantly amazed, though, at how much I miss the big picture. The Lord has been reminding me a lot lately of the night I was saved. He showed me today that in my heart, I have marked the beginning of God's thoughts toward me on that day. I have known with my head that God has always thought about me, and Jesus thought about me on the cross. But today, it started to sink in a bit, that He, Eternal God, didn't start thinking about me when I started thinking about Him. That's just plain silly.

How does a relationship get more beautiful? He formed me. He didn't just forget about me until I came to Him. No, He saved me! He came to me! He is The Good Shepherd! He came out into the hills to pick up this lonely, lost, confused sheep and put me on His shoulders and take me home. And from before "Let their be light" He knew my name, ME. Katie Kohrs. "Let their be light" was so that I would say yes to His Love, so that He and I can be together for eternity!

Every ounce of pain I went through, He was right there, taking it upon Himself. Though I felt so alone during those years, during so many years, I look back now, and I can see Him. I see now that we share in suffering together. It's as though my childhood has been transformed. The circumstances haven't changed. I look back and still see that I was a lonely child and though nothing will change what I felt all those years, eternity sets in and I can be with Him in those times. He is now a part of my childhood. Now that He and I are one, then I share in His identity, and we share memories together. I was never alone, nor will I ever be. Praise Jesus!

Every particle of the Living Eternal Majestic Beautiful God, has been directed toward me from before there was light. This is Good News. This sets me free. I have been known, thought about, and anticipated, before light even existed. Oh the worthiness of an identity in the Lord! I am not an afterthought. He is that intimate and in love with me. He is that deliberate with His children. We carry a form, an identity, a purpose, far more profound than, and preexisting Genesis 1:1.