Always Known

Several years ago a friend of mine confessed some very deep things to me. She told me that the hole in her heart was so big, and so real, that she could literally put her finger over her chest and trace the shape of the hole. As I sat alone later that evening, I realized that I wanted to know how big the hole in my heart was, too. I put my finger on my heart, and willfully chose to have the pain come to the surface so I could feel what shape it was. At first, it was small. But memories came into my mind and I had to make a quick decision if it hurt me or not. As I said 'yes' to all these memories being painful, the hole just got bigger, and deeper, and uglier. I really wasn't sure what was happening to me, but I had never acknowledged that certain things hurt me before. For years I went to a psychiatrist and a counselor, they had both told me I was in denial. All of a sudden, that made sense. I started to own the pain that was inside of me. I knew God was listening to me, and I for the first time in my life, I needed Him to know that I knew, that I was hurting.

For almost three years after that day, I went through major reconstruction of my heart. As my friend Sarah Riche calls it, 'heart surgery.' It hurt incredibly, but was also the sweetest time of my life. When the foundation that I had been living my whole life on was completely shattered, everything around me crumbled, except Jesus. I saw Him, and He beckoned me to follow Him. With every 'Yes' empowered by the Holy Spirit, a new piece of foundation was laid, and I moved forward, step by itty-bitty baby step. But it was a solid foundation being laid, beautiful, strong, real... unshakable.

Over these past years, I've really learned how to seek the Lord deeply. I've learned to go to the places often unvisited because it usually requires a sledgehammer to break through walls standing in the way. But I still notice that something has been missing. There are struggles that still seem to permeate every aspect of my life, of who I am. I know people feel it, I know I hurt people, and I know these pains cause other people to hurt me in ways that shouldn't shake me. But, I am excited to go there with the Lord, because I know Him. And I know He reveals. He is God of Revelation and Love. He is Father, and He is the Good Shepherd.

The Lord brought this verse to my heart this morning: Ephesians 1:3 Blessed [be] the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly [places] in Christ, 4 just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, 5 having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, 6 to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He has made us accepted in the Beloved.

And with that He reminded me of something that was taught during my training to work with troubled teenagers. I don't remember the exact wording, but basically, the greatest trouble for these teens is not knowing that they are thought about by their family when their family isn't around. Not believing that they are held in the memory of others. Which, is the fear of abandonment. This isn't just a fear for teenagers that have to go through residential treatment centers and foster homes. This is a very real fear that the enemy uses to destroy our souls.

Well, with so much of the healing in my heart, I know now that people do know me, remember me, think about me and love me. And I treasure that. I am constantly amazed, though, at how much I miss the big picture. The Lord has been reminding me a lot lately of the night I was saved. He showed me today that in my heart, I have marked the beginning of God's thoughts toward me on that day. I have known with my head that God has always thought about me, and Jesus thought about me on the cross. But today, it started to sink in a bit, that He, Eternal God, didn't start thinking about me when I started thinking about Him. That's just plain silly.

How does a relationship get more beautiful? He formed me. He didn't just forget about me until I came to Him. No, He saved me! He came to me! He is The Good Shepherd! He came out into the hills to pick up this lonely, lost, confused sheep and put me on His shoulders and take me home. And from before "Let their be light" He knew my name, ME. Katie Kohrs. "Let their be light" was so that I would say yes to His Love, so that He and I can be together for eternity!

Every ounce of pain I went through, He was right there, taking it upon Himself. Though I felt so alone during those years, during so many years, I look back now, and I can see Him. I see now that we share in suffering together. It's as though my childhood has been transformed. The circumstances haven't changed. I look back and still see that I was a lonely child and though nothing will change what I felt all those years, eternity sets in and I can be with Him in those times. He is now a part of my childhood. Now that He and I are one, then I share in His identity, and we share memories together. I was never alone, nor will I ever be. Praise Jesus!

Every particle of the Living Eternal Majestic Beautiful God, has been directed toward me from before there was light. This is Good News. This sets me free. I have been known, thought about, and anticipated, before light even existed. Oh the worthiness of an identity in the Lord! I am not an afterthought. He is that intimate and in love with me. He is that deliberate with His children. We carry a form, an identity, a purpose, far more profound than, and preexisting Genesis 1:1.

Farmer Katie

I didn't get much sleep last night. You see, it stormed. Gideon, the valiant Border Collie that I am dog-sitting was scraping to hide between my bed and the wall. When that didn't work, he jumped on my bed. I was in that mode of 'what is going on' because I was sleeping. I let it go on for a while, thinking I would finally just fall asleep. At least an hour went by, it was now 3 am, and I remembered that his 'mom' said to put him in his cage when it stormed. Valiant Gideon was then promptly placed in his cage. Ha. For another hour or so, all I heard were his paws pushing against the door of his cage. So, around 4am, I moved his cage into another room. I lay on my bed, and it starts thundering really loud. Sounds keep me up, so by 8am, I hadn't had much sleep.

But Gideon has become my right-hand man these past couple of days. We eat our meals together, play inside and outside together. I pet the horses, he chases them. I feed the horses lettuce and carrots, Gideon eats their poop. We have morning time with Jesus together. Even when I go to the bathroom, he finds a way to be in there with me. And as I am sitting on my bed, he is sitting on the floor looking up at me, tongue flopping out of his mouth and tail beating a rhythm on the carpet. I love this life.


I have always wanted to be a farmer. Farmer Katie. And today, I sort of felt like one. Sort of. I didn't get up early, and do back-breaking work all day. But, I pet horses, and filled their water container. I fed them, and am becoming closer friends with the male. He waits for me by the fence, and kicks and stomps the ground if I don't come over to him when I'm outside. Ha. I rebuked the dog for trying to scare the horses. I painted. I sat outside and read my Bible as the dog laid on my lap, and in perfect view of the horses and sunset. I drank iced tea. I gave away cucumbers to passers-by. I drove along the country road. And I ate fried chicken at a buffet. I should go to goodwill tomorrow and buy a pair of overalls, and suck on a piece of straw all day. Gideon, too. Gideon and I should have matching overalls, and a black and white photo taken in front of the horses. Haha.

Perfume

The perfume of God is Jesus' personality.Perfume (personality) comes from a flower (life) crushed to extract it's essence,. mixed with oils (intimacy), and then worn in confidence of the beauty it contains (knowledge of being redeemed).

I'm so thankful the cross came for me, crushed me, so that I may be with Jesus where He is. I'm so thankful that I get to carry His aroma to offer sweet Jesus to those who have lost their sense of smell in the worlds dumpsters.

Praise the Lord you who walk in Redemption! You are the salt of the earth, a city on a hill! Preach the Good News to those who have not heard, and be the Good News to those hurt by the world.

Sunset

I had a nice sunset this evening, and thought I'd share it.

Freely give freedom!

"Go to the lost sheep of [the house of] Israel. As you go, preach THIS MESSAGE: 'The Kingdom of heaven is near.' Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy, drive out demons. Freely you have received, freely give."

We are commanded to go. We are commanded to go to the lost sheep. We are commanded to tell them that the Kingdom of heaven is near. We are commanded to set them free, because we have been set free. Oh, what a life!

Go, travel, journey, walk, remove, depart... die. Die for the lost sheep of Israel. As you go, preach this message, 'The kingdom of heaven is near.' Sound like someone you know? Oh, just wait. 'Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy, drive out demons.' Yup. These aren't words of a friend asking for help on a project. 'Freely you have received, freely give.' These are the words of a Man that knows Life birthed through death. He is Life birthed through death.

You could basically say, 'Freely you have received (healing, life, freedom, deliverance), now freely go to the lost sheep of Israel, and tell them the kingdom of heaven is near. And when you tell them, they will see it at work in you, so you should give it to them! They will see that death is no longer at work in you, and they will freely receive Life.'

As the sick are healed, the Body will walk in strength. As the dead are raised, the Body will fulfill her purposes the enemy tried to steal. As the lepers are cleansed, the Body will walk free of shame. As the burdened are set free of the demonic, the Body will be filled with the Spirit of Truth, and the Beauty of Jesus will overtake the hearts of men. And as we freely give the freedom we have received, as we love the unlovable as Jesus loved us, the Bride will look like Jesus. The Father will proclaim that "The Bride has made herself ready."

I remember being a lost sheep. But at the same time, I don't remember. What a blur my life was without the freedom that came from knowing Jesus. I don't remember anything about who I was, or what I liked, or what was real. I remember nagging feelings of unworthiness on the inside. To this day, I look back and try to remember who I was, but I've come to terms with the fact that I can't. Actually, the TRUTH is that we cannot identify ourselves outside of being set free in Jesus.

I'm so thankful that others have freely given me their freedom. I'm so thankful that people left their comfort zones to tell me that the kingdom of heaven was near. I'm so thankful that the Father sent Jesus to reconcile me to Himself, giving me as a Bride to His Son, so that through the Spirit we could commune on earth and dwell together for eternity.

Church, I love you, I am thankful for you, I am thankful to be a part of you. Thank you for being in relationship with Jesus so that my diseases could be healed, and that Life would replace the dead inside of me, that shame would not manifest in my body, and that demons would flee because of your commitment and love to the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

Jesus, may we be set free to be like you, devoid of shame and guilt, so that we can freely give your heart, emotion, personality, and love to those who call upon Your name. May we truly die to the bondage we've been set free of, and give richly to the hurting, lost, and broken. A life for a life. Loving the one in front of us.